WELCOMING EMOTIONS
In a world that is becoming increasingly dominated by AI, we must never lose touch with who we are – humans with feelings and emotions. It is our emotions that connect and bring us together. It is also our emotions that can separate and divide us, if we allow them to.
Emotions show us how we respond to the outside world, often reflecting our world views and beliefs. We become aware of what situations bring us joy, and which ones upset or trigger us. What someone says or doesn’t say can also lead to an emotional response inside of us, based on the story we tell ourselves about the situation.
In today’s world, we still struggle with emotions in a professional setting. As a result, we continue to put a lid on our emotions, fearing they will get the best of us. As Daniel Goleman states in his book, Working with Emotional Intelligence, “Out-of-control emotions can make smart people stupid”.
In the article, I would like to show you how much takes place inside of you unconsciously before you ever express an emotion verbally. Making this process conscious will enhance your emotional competency as a leader. While we experience a wide range of emotions in life, from those that uplift us like joy to emotions that tend to bring us down like grief, this article focuses on the emotions that people most often experience at work.
EMOTIONS AND YOUR BODY’S RESPONSE
So where do you begin? It’s best to practice emotional awareness in a setting outside of work where there is less stress, and you are more likely to have the space for an inward focus. Let’s say your son comes home late again. Take a moment and just notice your body’s response to the situation, ranging from increased tension, change in breathing, clenched fist, increased prespiration, or a shift in body posture. You may not be able to name the emotion – anger, frustration, or disappointment – right away, but simply acknowledging it and allowing your body’s physical response to be there without trying to suppress it is a huge first step in emotional awareness.
Acknowledging an emotion without suppressing it also impacts what you communicate to others at the nonverbal level. When you hide an emotion, you have the same bodily reaction as when you hold a ball underwater in a swimming pool – your blood pressure and heart rate increase. Studies have revealed that when you suppress an emotion, that people around you have the same response in their body. Horses respond similarly and often take it one step further and mirror the suppressed emotion back to you.
In contrast to society that seeks conformity, horses seek congruence. Often my horses will stay away when I am incongruent because I am suppressing how I truly feel. This already happens at 100 m when they are out on the pasture. On the other hand, when I am congruent, they will come towards me from that same distance. I have also repeatedly observed that when workshop participants simply acknowledge an emotion, such as their fear of horses, a horse will often walk right up to them. How you deal with your emotions as a leader will impact your nonverbal communication, and can unconsciously build or lose trust.
NAMING AND ACTING ON AN EMOTION
After acknowledging and sensing the emotion as a bodily sensation, you are now in a place to name the emotion. Naming an emotion such as anger, frustration, or disappointment allows you to get the message behind that emotion and act on it. Here some examples based on the Emotional Message Chart developed by Karla McKlaren and Linda Kohanov. If you are angry, someone overstepped your boundary, for example when they handed in the budget late. The message behind anger is to effectively reinstate that boundary. If you are frustrated because you are not meeting the monthly budget again, the message is to find another way to achieve the results. Simply putting more pressure on everyone and not re-evaluating your approach will never work. If you are disappointed because someone is not performing to your expectations, then you need to ask yourself, did they have the necessary resources (time, manpower, budget, knowhow, experience, guidance) to achieve the goal and whether your expectations were realistic.
When you take appropriate action based on the message, the initial bodily response to the emotion will disappear. This demonstrates the power of your mind-body connection. Your body will always give you an honest response to how you truly feel about a situation when you listen to it.
EMOTIONS ARE AN INSIDE JOB
Working with emotions is an inside job. While you can share with others what is going on inside of you and create a caring space, your emotions and how you deal with them is your responsibility. It’s never about the other person and always about you. As mentioned earlier, emotions show us how we respond to the outside world, often reflecting our world views and beliefs and giving us the opportunity to develop and grow.
When you become emotionally intelligent as a leader, you don’t need to worry about having emotions get the best of you because you won’t get as emotional anymore. You know that each emotion has a message and that when you act on this message, you can remain in a calm and regulated state and focus on the task at hand.
